Poetry

I don't always feel comfortable sharing poems, but I am attempting to gain some confidence, or at least nerve, in my poetry writing hobby. I found this poem tonight after writing it earlier this year. I just revised it, and I am quite pleased at the result. I hope you like it too (whoever you are).

I tried not writing this poem.

There is no need, I am sure. It’s like a schoolgirl with a crush

on the playground. Love poems are cliché.

So I distract myself: Internet, movie, workout, luxurious shower.

Yet here it is, patient, smiling,

knowing that it has to be written some time or other,

even if it is only when I grow tired enough to close my eyes

and catch it fidgeting on the periphery of my brain.

And yes, it’s about you.

The poem knew this all along, you see.

It knows that my feelings for you aren’t able to be kept inside,

tame and clean like a cat bathing with a scratchy tongue.

My heart behaves more like the puppy pulling the stuffing out of cushions.

So here it is—fumbling and true—the poem that begs to say:

you are beautiful. I can’t get enough of you. I’ve never felt like this before.

The Long Catch-Up

My last blog post in February was full of questions and fears. I was worried about finding a job in Tullahoma, finishing my thesis, and figuring out what I wanted to do with my future. All of those worries seem so small and far away now.

God is amazing, and has opened all the doors and more.

I worked at a local coffee shop until May, when I unofficially graduated from college and finished my thesis project, and then went on the most amazing trip of my life to France for a study tour. From there I ventured straight down to Georgia where had my 6th summer at camp (with my boyfriend who is back from his mission!). I went on a short but fun road trip to Virginia, went to the Pathfinder Camporee at Oshkosh, Wisconsin, and finally landed back home where I worked for several more months at my coffee shop.

As of this week I will be moving down to Chattanooga where I will begin the next phase of my life. I will work full-time at Starbucks for the rest of this semester, and then hopefully begin my Masters in Global Community Development at Southern Adventist University. I can't even believe how the door have swung open for me. So much has taken place since last February, and God has proven himself to me so many times, even though I feel as if I have put my relationship with him on the back burner. I am inspired and excited, both for what has taken place, and what is to come in my future.

Plus, my boyfriend and I won't be long distance now. I can't say I'm complaining about that.

Something More

I have a great life. Don't get me wrong. And if you assume that this post is meant to be a complaint I hope you find that you are wrong. Because I thank God for so many different and beautiful things about my life.

For instance:
Plenty of food to eat.
Enough money to get by.
A thoughtful, fun, spontaneous (and attractive) boyfriend.
A healthy body.
A healthy mind.
A host of good friends that I can call anytime.
A passion for life.

But at the same time, I can't help feeling stuck right now. I'm 22 and living at home again after 9 years away. I'm finishing my last bits of college, and am just forcing myself to turn every page or write every word. I'm still in the process of finding a descent paying job so that I can fund my study tour to France. I have no idea what I'm going to do next year. And the equivalent of all of this is that I am majorly focused on myself. I supposed you could even say obsessed. And as I've learned over the past few years, the times that I'm thinking more about myself than others is when I feel most depressed, anxious, and unhappy.

I need something more. 

So how do I go about fixing this problem?

I don't know. I really don't.

But I have a hint. Love tends to be a pretty good idea. But how do I love people more actively? How do I involve myself in the lives of others?

I think maybe I should start with my family. I should start with my boyfriend. I should start with my close friends. Cleaning the kitchen without being asked or writing a random letter or reminding them of how much I love them. I don't know. If anyone out there who might come across this blog has any ideas, please share. Because I don't think life is meant to be lived stifled within my own mind. I am sick of thinking only every about me and what makes me feel good. I want to be more like Jesus. That's the ultimate goal.

New Year's Resolutions

I'm trying to keep it simple:

1. Be financially responsible (regardless of how much money I do or do not have, I want to treat it with respect)

2. Be more generous. With myself, my time, my money, my everything.

3. Be more grateful. I've experienced a pretty marginal life in Africa. There is no reason for me not to be abundantly grateful for what I have.

4. Write more. Doesn't matter what kind. Just write write write.

We are Strong

We hung up. It was probably the last time I was going to talk to my boyfriend on the phone for 5 months. Yea, I just said my boyfriend. I have one of those now. First time for everything. And as he was boarding his last flight out of the country after 2 weeks at home and 3 days with me where we decided to go ahead and seal the deal by putting a name on it, I had to say goodbye for the last time. I knew it was going to suck. I knew that talking on the phone, texting, facetiming, and all of that had been an unheard of luxury for the past 2 weeks. I knew that I had been spoiled. And I had wanted to be prepared for this moment. But I wasn't prepared at all. It hurt.

After we hang up I'm just sitting on my bed for a moment, gathering my bearings. Remembering everything we did when we were together. The moment he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. I was starting to get upset. A lot of fears came pouring in: Can we do this? How much will change in 5 months? Was this a mistake? Will he still like me when we are separated?

My phone rings. It's him. I answer.

"We are strong" he says.
"We are going to be ok. We're going to make it. I care about you. I have to go."

"We are strong."

"Bye."

TOMORROW

The day I've been looking forward to for so long is finally almost here.

Tomorrow I'll be with him.

I can't wait.

Nerves

I'm feeling kinda nervous.

First, I just applied to a job that is waaaaaaaay out of my league. It is a very technical job in a company in my home town, and they hire English  majors for this type of position because they are good at communicating and working with other. However, I haven't technically graduated. I have hardly any professional or business experience. Honestly, if I get this job it will be a complete miracle. I know that there was nothing about my resume to impress anyone. So I'm feeling a little nervous about that.

I'm also feeling nervous because the guy is coming home in 3 days. And I'll be seeing him, talking to him, and touching him in about 13 days. It just feels incredible that this is happening because I've been looking forward to it for so long. And what will happen when we're together? Will we like the while 'real-life' experience? Or will it turn us off from each other? Or just him from me? I know I'm being a little insecure, and I'm worrying about things that probably shouldn't be worried about, but I can't help but wonder how it will be. Or will it be even better than we imagine?