Peace

If you had traveled with me inside of my head this morning, you would be surprised that I can even write the word peace right now. Because everything about me was the opposite.

The 3 hour skype conversation with the guy.
My emotional distress afterward.
My resignation that this was the 'end'.
The slow fever that snuck up on me during my last class.

All of it was chaos. Satan was absolutely tormenting me with doubts, fears, and fever. I felt weak and helpless and--I don't use this word lightly--a little depressed. I texted my boss that I wasn't coming in today and crashed for about 4 hours in the afternoon. I woke up slightly less feverish physically, but almost more so mentally. I decided to call a friend down South, and I don't know if it was her incredible understanding, her empathy, or her prayers, but God communicated to me through her. No direct answers were bestowed, no shock of illumination about what I should do, but this subtle and gentle peace was restored to my mind and heart.

As soon as our conversation was over I wrote him one last message describing my feelings about our situation. And I won't deny, I am proud of myself. Or at least I am proud of the work that God was able to do through me in that message. It was much kinder, gentler, and more thoughtful then I even thought possible considering my emotional state. Yet at the same time it was direct, and I hope that it communicates my position on where we stand now and how we should look at our future. He won't see it until long after I've gone to bed, and I don't know how he will react necessarily. Maybe he won't see it as the gracious effort that I assume, and maybe he will walk away from it feeling like I'm the most solid girl in the world--who knows. All I know is that I am unspeakably grateful for the peace that God can bestow when we ask for it.