The last few posts on here have reflected my current feeling of being stagnant or stuck. The truth is, I'm bored. I haven't pushed myself in any direction for a long time, and I"m just waiting for bigger things, like Chad or Camp, to arrive so that I can have some action. I'm not willing to go out and pursue any action for myself. I'm afraid to. And because I've been sitting so still for so long I naturally turn to coping mechanisms in order to entertain myself. I don't go out much. I eat. I watch movies. I allow my mind to slip into darker places, and I ignore the promptings of the Holy Spirit even when I've had a long and meaningful devotion. How am I supposed to get out of this? Where am I supposed to go? How should I act so that I glorify God and have joy?
It can be discouraging. Life is not easy, and being an adult certainly is not easy. If any of you "Spirit-walkers" are out there reading this, I would appreciate a prayer.
Last night, after being woken from my sleep at 12 am and being incapable of falling asleep again, I decided to write some papers. I finished my Cognitive Science and Faith Bible Verse paper (3 pages) and my Scripture analysis paper (4 pages). I was assigned to write on Galatians 5:16-26 for the first one, so I chose to write the second on the same verses so that they would be very well read. The part that was most compelling for me was the idea of rejecting the "flesh" in order to walk by the "spirit." And the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, etc.--not are. That means that they do not come individually. They are a package deal. Wow, it must be difficult to walk by the Spirit, eh? For an average human to posses all the qualities of the Spirit? Here we go, back into discouragement.
Why is it that I can't quite walk in the Spirit, even when I pray for it? Why don't I have any self-control? Why don't I desire God more than these other silly things? Satan isn't playing around. He knows about the work God is trying to do in my heart, and the work God has planned for me this summer and next year. Well, we aren't going down without a fight.
So, if Satan is trying to discourage me with complacency, I will pray for passion.
If he tried to make me give into bad habits, I will ask God for self-control.
If he wants me to be bored, then I will pray for enthusiasm and energy.
If he tries to convince me that I am worthless and unloved, I will remind myself over and over, as many times as it takes, that, "I have inherent value. I am loved unconditionally. My identity comes from Christ."
This is the only way I will succeed. This is the only way the battle can be won. But I still believe it can. I am still enough of an idealist to believe in dreams and adventure and love. So, Satan, if you're reading this: Sure, you can push me around. But you can only do it for so long. My God is greater, and in the end He will win. And though I often feel like I'm losing, I'm playing on the team that I KNOW will win. That is something to bet on.
At this point in the morning I am tempted to just stay up, go for a jog in the morning, and hit it as hard as I possibly can tomorrow. Good weekend to you. With God, all things are possible.
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